


John's Video Diary

by Mad_Lori



Series: Performance in a Leading Role [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-23
Updated: 2013-08-22
Packaged: 2017-12-24 08:51:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/938013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mad_Lori/pseuds/Mad_Lori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Transcription of a video diary John was asked to make by Ellen DeGeneres.  Not complete; may or may not be continued.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

[rustling noises, a dark lens cap is removed from in front of the lens.  The camera tilts and is raised and then swung around; we see glimpses of what looks like a bathroom, and then the camera is facing a mirror and we can see that it is a small video recorder held by John Watson.  He is wearing jeans and a t-shirt, his hair is wet]

John:  [waves] Good morning, Ellen!  You asked me to record my regular life for a day, presumably so you can embarrass me by airing bits of it on your show, so here I am.  I hope you don’t mind that I decided against taping myself showering and shaving.  So…this is my bathroom.  Thrilling, yes? 

[the camera moves off the mirror as John walks out of the bathroom]

John:  Now we’ll go downstairs, because morning means one thing in this house: coffee.

[we see shaky point-of-view shots of a hallway, then the stairs, then the kitchen]

John:  Coffee is the most important meal of the day, you know.  [John’s narration is charmingly awkward, as if he’s not sure what he ought to be saying, so he’s just babbling.]

[The view stabilizes as John sets the camera on something, then steps in front of it and turns it towards the kitchen counter.  He goes to the coffeemaker and begins to make coffee]

John:  A frequent topic of discussion around here is exactly how strong is too strong for coffee?  I think so far the consensus is that there is no “too strong” when it comes to coffee.  [he is scooping an alarming amount of grounds into the percolator]  I know, it’s autodrip.  It isn’t fancy.  I have this dream of having a steam line installed so I can get a real espresso machine, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’d no longer be able to claim that I’m a regular bloke if I had an espresso machine in my house, so I haven’t done it.

[he turns on the coffee maker and sits down at the counter, turning the camera to face him again.]

John:  I’m probably not framed very well.  Am I cutting off the top of my own head?  [he is]  I’m not used to being on the other side of the camera.  Lots of actors want to direct, but I never have.  I’m good at one thing and I figure I’ll just stick to that.  [he sighs]  I hope you edit this down, because I’m already bored of my life.  Let’s see…today’s a pretty normal day.  I’m not shooting a film right now, so you may wonder, what do actors do between shoots?  There are a lot of meetings, and we spend a lot of time reading scripts.  Sometimes we take classes. Our publicists send us places, parties and premieres and openings, that kind of thing.  There’s a lot of lunching that goes on. Most of us go to the gym.  Have to look good onscreen, and the camera really does add ten pounds, at least.  I’m going today, or that’s the idea, anyway.  We’ll see what happens.  [he looks away; he’s just heard something]  Ah.  Something stirs.

[we can now hear footsteps on the stairs.  John picks up the camera and points it toward the kitchen doorway.]

Sherlock: [off-camera] Coffee.  Coffee is required.  There had better be coffee because otherwise I might…

[Sherlock comes into the kitchen wearing a t-shirt and pajama pants.  He is clearly just awake; his hair is in disarray and he’s half-yawning.  When he sees the camera he makes a face and puts up a hand]

Sherlock:  Oh, bloody hell.

John:  Be nice, now.

Sherlock:  I’m not awake enough for nice.  Is that the video for Ellen?

John:  Yes!  Say hello!

Sherlock:  [sighs a long-suffering sigh and looks into the camera]  Hello, Ellen. I’ll get you for this.

[he shuffles off toward the coffeepot and out of frame.  John swings the camera around to his own face]

John:  As you can see, Sherlock is not a morning person.

Sherlock: (off camera)  You’re hardly Mr. Sunshine either, when you’re just up. [John turns the camera again; Sherlock is at the counter staring at the coffeepot, perhaps attempting to will the coffee to appear faster] 

John:  I’ve been up for an hour.

Sherlock:   Bully for you, then.  [he turns around and leans against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest; he addresses John, resolutely ignoring the camera]  Care for some eggs?

John:  Are you going to make me breakfast?

Sherlock:  Well, we can’t have Ellen’s entire viewing audience thinking I don’t take care of you.

John: [turns the camera toward himself]  There, see, he’s making me breakfast. Isn’t that sweet?  [he leans closer and whispers] But he’s a terrible cook, so you may be about to see some acting live and up close while I pretend to like it.

Sherlock:  I heard that.  Cold cereal it is, then. [he turns from the fridge and smirks at John, dropping a quick wink]

[the camera stabilizes again as John sets it down.  We can see him open a laptop that’s sitting nearby on the counter; Sherlock is now pouring coffee, we can just get glimpses of him until he sets a mug in front of John, followed by a bowl and a spoon.

John: [looks up]  Oh, I want raisin bran.

Sherlock: [sighs theatrically]  Prima donna.

John:  Because I don’t like Grape Nuts?

Sherlock:  Here.  Raisin bran.  Happy?

John:  Ecstatic.

[Sherlock sits down next to him, no cereal of his own in evidence, but with a mug of coffee. Our view includes both of them.]

Sherlock:  What’s on, then? [he nods toward John’s computer screen]

John:  Several things I can’t discuss while I’m on camera.  [he points at the screen, which we can’t see.  Sherlock leans over and looks, then nods]

Sherlock:  Interesting.

John:  Email from Isabelle. [he clicks it open, then briefly addresses the camera] That’s my sixteen-year-old niece.  Oh, she’s in a play at school.

Sherlock:  Which play?

John:  Mousetrap.

Sherlock:  [sniffs]  Naturally.

John:  She’s playing Mollie Ralston.  [he laughs]  She says an actor who was in the play twenty years ago in the West End production is coming to teach an acting class for the cast.  Listen to this: ‘Imagine all their faces if you and Sherlock came to give us acting lessons instead.’”

Sherlock: [chuckles] I wish we could.  I’ll not have more than one day off in a row for the next three months.

John:  When’s your call today?

Sherlock:  Eleven.  [he looks at the clock]  In fact, I’d best sort myself out and be on my way.

John:  [looks a little sad]  I’ve barely seen you all week.

Sherlock:  [he has gotten to his feet, mug in hand]  I ought to have a few free hours around nine o’clock, why don’t you come out to the set and have dinner with me?

John:  [perks up]  Brilliant!

Sherlock: [smiling] I’ve got insane amounts of horrendously difficult scientific dialogue today, it’ll give me something to look forward to.  I’ll text you when I’m certain of the time.

[He meets John’s eyes and begins to lean down; John glances at the camera, then holds up his hand in front of the lens.  His aim isn’t too great; we can see clearly through his fingers as they kiss.  John drops his hand as Sherlock disappears out of the kitchen, then addresses the camera again.]

John:  That’s the downside of this business.  It isn’t exactly conducive to maintaining anything resembling a normal relationship.  But we do the best we can.  [he chuckles]  I don’t know how good that is.


	2. Chapter 2

[the camera turns on and we see shaky flashes of the inside of a car; the camera stabilizes on a shot of John, driving]

John: Hope you don’t mind, I’ve turned over cinematographic duties to my sister, Harry. Say hello, Harry!

[the camera swings around and Harry’s out-of-focus face fills half the screen; she grins and waves.]

Harry: Hello!

[she refocuses on John]

John: Harry’s also my assistant, and a better one could not be found.

Harry: [off] Aww, aren’t you being nice today?

John: Aren’t I usually nice?

Harry: Oh no, you’re a horrorshow. Don’t believe the lies, everyone. That Nice Guy image is a put-up job. He’s a terror of an arrogant Hollywood douchebag. He made me hand-pick all the citrus peel out of his loose tea mixture yesterday.

John: [laughs] I hope you’ve recovered, because later you’re going to be de-pilling all my jumpers with a pair of tweezers.

Harry: Again? Damn. I’m still cramped up from the last time. Hey, speaking of arrogant Hollywood douchebags, have you decided what you’re getting Sherlock for his birthday? If it’s anything custom-made we’ve got to get on that.

John: I’m hoping that if I just don’t think about it, it’ll go away.

Harry: I believe it is customary to buy a gift for one’s fiancé on his birthday.

John: He’s going to be bitchy about it anyway because he won’t be able to say he’s in his “early thirties” anymore.

Harry: Well, he can still  _say_  that, it just won’t be true.

John: I’ll get him a car.

Harry: You’re not getting him a car.

John: No, of course I’m not getting him a car! I’m grasping at straws, here! He doesn’t need anything!

Harry: It isn’t about what he needs, it’s about what you want to say with a gift. So what do you want to say?

John: [sighs] Happy birthday?

Harry: Now you’re just being contrary.

John: Well, I don’t know! We were shooting  _To a Stranger_  on his last birthday. The crew got him a cake and we all signed a card. [he thinks for a moment] Come to think of it, I don’t remember him getting any other birthday wishes or cards or flowers or anything. [he shakes his head] He was alone. But then, so was I.

Harry: Then there you go. Give him something that reminds him he isn’t alone anymore.

John: [puts on an exaggerated Eureka face] I’ve got it! I’ll buy side-by-side cemetery plots for us! Till death do us part!

[Harry throws something at John; looks like an empty drink bottle. John ducks and laughs.]

John: I’m driving here!

Harry: You wanker!

[they are silent for a moment; the camera’s begun to drift a little, as if they’ve both forgotten that Harry’s filming]

John: I think of my life a year ago, then I think of it now…the difference is a little mind-blowing. I guess…I’d like him to know how glad I am to have him in my life.

Harry: Aww. See, that didn’t hurt too much, did it?

John: Oh God, this is on tape. At least by the time anyone sees it, his birthday will be over and I’ll have thought of a present, for better or worse.

Harry: A trip?

John: No time.

Harry: A new suit?

John: He already owns all the suits.

Harry: Bling?

John: He doesn’t wear bling. Don’t you know him at all?

Harry: I’m just spitballing here. Um…a date with Ryan Reynolds?

John: Don’t make me come over there.

Harry: A movie role in which he gets to beat the crap out of Jim Moriarty in an epic fight scene?

John: If only that were in my power.

Harry: There’s got to be something he  _wants._

John: Lately the only thing he’s said he wants is to marry me. He’s already got that. Oh, and the other day he did mention that he was craving my sister’s banoffee pie.

Harry: Let’s call that Plan B.

[they are quiet for another moment. John is pulling off the road up to a drive-thru; it turns out to be Starbucks.]

John: The usual?

Harry: Cheers.

John: [into the speaker] One venti skinny hazelnut latte and a venti caramel mocha.

[he pulls forward]

Harry: Geez. Diabetic coma, anyone?

John: Shut your face. I’ve got four hours of meetings, I need sustenance.

[they reach the window. The barista leans out to take John’s card]

Barista: Hey, you’re John Watson!

John: Yep.

Barista: Oh man, I  _loved_   _To a Stranger._  You were so great in it! Congrats on the Oscar and everything!

John: Thanks, mate.

Barista: [leans over a bit] Is Sherlock with you?

John: No, he’s on set right now.

Barista: Shooting that Tesla thing, right?

John: Right.

Barista: That is going to kick ass, man. Sorry, I don’t mean to go all fanboy on you.

John: [chuckles] It’s all right.

Barista: [hands John the drinks; John passes Harry’s to her] There you go. Have a great day.

John: Say, you wouldn’t happen to have any really brilliant ideas for what I could get Sherlock for his birthday, would you?

[Harry bursts out laughing; the camera shakes. The barista looks bemused]

Barista: [shrugs] I got my boyfriend a new bong for his birthday.

John: Hm. I’ll take that under advisement. Thanks. [he pulls away, laughing]

Harry: Okay, so that’ll be Plan C. New bong.

John: I’ll think of something.

Harry: Call Sally, she might have an idea.

John: I’m not calling Sally. That’s such a… _guy_  thing. Call the little wifey’s best friend to figure out what to get her because you can’t be arsed to actually get to know her.

Harry: I am  _so_  telling him that you referred to him as your “little wifey.”

John: It was a metaphor! [he thinks] What’s the name of that bloke, the artist? The one who painted that thing Sherlock liked over at George’s house?

Harry: Umm…I can call George and find out.

John: Yeah, do that.

Harry: What are you thinking?

John: Well, there are a million photographs of us. What if I hired him to paint one of them?

Harry: Oh, John! That’s a great idea. The Oscar photo, the hug one!

John: Ehh. That’s too obvious.

Harry: Whatever, we’ll find a good one.

John: [fidgets] I don’t know. Is that too…

Harry: Too what?

John: Egotistical?

Harry: To give Sherlock a painting of you and him? Why would it be? And it says just what you were saying earlier, about being glad things are different now. I think it’s lovely. I’d certainly melt into a puddle of goo if my significant other gave me something like that.

John: [looks at her, smiles a little shyly] Yeah? I don’t have much experience giving birthday presents to someone I actually love.

Harry: You did pretty well on his Christmas gift.

John: I’m afraid I’ll never top that one. Might have shot myself in the foot a bit, there.

Harry: Well, he’ll run into the same problem on your birthday.

John: He’s not even going to be in the  _country_  on my birthday, and I’ll be neck-deep in Coen dialogue. I’ll be happy to get a videochat.

Harry: See, that’s the problem with men.

John: Oh really? I’ve heard many versions of that.

Harry: You always think the gift needs to be spectacular, or the date has to be some elaborate setup like something out of a movie. Most women, we just want to know that you care and that you thought about us. It doesn’t have to be fancy. I bet men are the same. Even Sherlock.

John: You’re not as dumb as you look, you know.

[Harry turns the camera toward herself and gives the viewers a lofty eyebrow]

Harry: This is what I get for working for my brother. Heed my example, America.


End file.
